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the year in pictures

Jonathan at 9 months

getting ready for bed

Jonathan at 10 months

Jonathan at 11 months

Jonathan on his 1st birthday

Jonathan at one year

discovering we’re going to be a family of four!

Dad and Jonathan hanging out

Jonathan at 15 months

a peanut buttery mess

meeting a clown at the library

at the zoo

reading with Mom

riding in his car seat

On our way to the opera (my first and Chad’s seventh) for my birthday. We saw Turandot at the new Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts.

Jonathan at 18 months

hanging out with friends

playing the piano

with Great Grandma and Great Granddad

riding a rocking horse

six months and counting

remotes, the best toys ever

smiling for the camera

Halloween fun

and not so fun

two car seats = time for a new car

another road trip

riding on his zebra scooter

goofing off at a restaurant

peek-a-boo…

I see you!

Jonathan with Grandma & Granddad

bundled up to go out on a cold winter’s eve

we love playdates with friends

celebrating Daddy’s birthday

around the house

building a castle

fast asleep with Puppy

at 38 weeks, three days before Breely was born

Jonathan’s last picture as an only child

Breely’s first few moments in the world

fast asleep in her swaddle

Jonathan loves his little sister

five days old

hanging out with Mom

family picture

falling asleep

Breely at three weeks

Breely at one month

hanging out with Aunt Nancy (Mom’s best friend)

more fun with friends

capturing the moments between diaper changes (they are few)

Jonathan playing with his new racetrack and electric guitar

opening presents on his 2nd birthday

playing with his new toys

Breely with Great Grandma

Dad and Breely

in her little pink hoodie

Breely at two months

look at that face!

Jonathan asks to hold Breely every time she’s awake.

 He knows they will be best friends.

family photos

Dad, Mom, Jonathan, and Breely

Take two…

Mom and little Breely

Jonathan loves his little sister.

why i stopped (started) writing (again)

You have nothing worthy to contribute. 

Those were the words ringing in my ears early last year. We had just moved back from Washington State, only a year and a half after moving out to the Pacific Northwest. Two cross-country moves in under two years. We were both jobless, Chad having been laid off from his veterinary position, and we had been staying with my parents for the past two months, along with our six-month-old. It was a hard situation to be in, and neither of us were in the best of spirits. I remember feeling trapped, believing that things were never going to get better for us, that this was how it was going to be for the rest of our lives. Eventually I reached a breaking point, and we had to move to the place where we’re living currently. In the aftermath, I was left feeling broken and hopeless.

That was, in large part, why I stopped blogging. I started to believe the lie that because I didn’t have it all together, because I was a broken and sinful person, that everything I said or wrote down or created was worthless and meaningless. That the things I wrote weren’t a help, or an encouragement, to anyone. That there was nothing beautiful that could come from my heart. That when I wrote a post and didn’t get as many comments as I would have liked, it was a sign that people didn’t like me, or even worse, that they had found out who I really was, and were as shocked and horrified as I am at times.

So I started to believe the lie that I really did have nothing worthy to contribute. That people were better off without me. That I was making the world a better place by not writing or creating anything. And I resolved to never write another blog post.

Then I finally got around to reading Shauna Niequist’s book, Cold Tangerines. It had sat collecting dust on our bookshelf for the past year, and when I started having Braxton-Hicks contractions, I crawled into bed and curled up with it. I figured it would be a good book to read during the sacred time surrounding Breely’s birth, since it was largely about celebration. The last two chapters were transformational, and spoke directly to the lie I had been believing. Here is an excerpt from the second-to-last chapter, Needle and Thread:

We’re desperate for great storytellers, great painters, great dancers, great cooks, because art does something nothing else does. Art slips past our brains straight into our bellies. It weaves itself into our thoughts and feelings and the open spaces in our souls, and it allows us to live more and say more and feel more. Great art says the things we wished someone would say out loud, the things we wish we could say out loud….

It matters, art does, so deeply. It’s one of the noblest things, because it can make us better, and one of the scariest things, because it comes from such a deep place inside of us….

Please keep believing that life can be better, brighter, broader, because of the art that you make. Please keep demonstrating the courage that it takes to swim upstream in a world that prefers putting away for retirement to putting pen to paper, that chooses practicality over poetry, that values you more for going to the gym than going to the deepest places in your soul. Please keep making art for people like me, people who need the magic and imagination and honesty of great art to make the day-to-day world a little more bearable.

And if, for whatever reason, you’ve stopped– stopped believing in your voice, stopped fighting to find the time– start today. I bought a mug for my friend… and the mug says, “Do something creative every day.” Do that. Do something creative every day, even if you work in a cubicle, even if you have a newborn, even if someone told you a long time ago that you’re not an artist, or you can’t sing, or you have nothing to say. These people are bad people, and liars, and we hope they develop adult-onset acne really bad. Everyone has something to say. Everyone. Because everyone, every person, was made by God, in the image of God. If he is a creator, and in fact he is, then we are creators, and no one, not a bad seventh-grade English teacher or a harsh critic or jealous competitor, can take that away from you.

So to all the secret writers, late-night painters, would be singers, lapsed and scared artists of every stripe, dig out your paintbrush, or your flute, or your dancing shoes. Pull out your camera or your computer or your pottery wheel. Today, tonight, after the kids are in bed or when your homework is done, or instead of one more video game or magazine, create something, anything. Pick up a needle and thread, and stitch together something particular and honest and beautiful, because we need it. I need it.

Thank you, and keep going.

Thank you, Shauna, and I will keep going. Even when it’s hard, even when I have no time, and I need more sleep, and I’m shaking in my shoes with my heart in my throat, wondering if anyone will even notice or care. I will create, because I was made to be a creator. And to all the other creators out there, I say too, thank you, and keep going.

happy birthday, Breely!

On February 11, at 3:35 a.m., we welcomed our little girl, Breely Noelle, into the world! She arrived quite suddenly, with labor beginning only a few hours earlier.  The entire birth took place at home under the supervision of a midwife. If we considered Jonathan’s birth easy, then Breely’s was exceptional. Transition was over in two contractions, and after just one push, she entered the world, into the birthing pool. Neither Mom nor Dad was ready to catch her, but fortunately the midwife realized what was happening and shouted at Chad to catch her. It was mildly reminiscent of a Superbowl commercial we saw where the baby comes out so fast that she flies across county lines.

Breely weighed in at 7 lbs and was 18 1/2 inches long. She has red hair and beautiful blue eyes.

We’ll try to post more pictures in the next few days, and maybe some video, too.

ten years

posted by Kristen


Chad and I have been married for ten wonderful years now. It’s hard for both of us to believe it’s really been that long. The days have flown by– faster than either of us would like to admit. We both agreed that it only feels like six or seven years at the most– not ten. But looking at our wedding photos, we really do seem like two totally different people– Chad had just turned 23 and I was only 19, fresh out of high school really. Acquaintances who see those photos often mistakenly think it must be my (nonexistent) sister and her husband.

Our 10th anniversary, on December 30, was supposed to be a grand occasion. We had been planning it for weeks– a trip to Kansas City, visits to various sights, dinner at a fancy restaurant, the night at a nice hotel in Westport, where we had stayed last year during our babymoon. Then, tragically, all our best-laid plans fell through. We haven’t decided whether we’ll try to celebrate our anniversary here in a few weeks, once things have settled down a little (we’re in the midst of another move), or whether we’ll just wait to have a big celebration on our 11th. We did still manage to have dinner at Harry’s Uptown in Manhattan, buy a nice bottle of wine, and spend the evening together watching one of our favorite shows. But the day was bittersweet– on the one hand we were celebrating, but at the same time, our hearts were heavy, longing for what could have been, memories that had been lost.

gifts

posted by Kristen

Below are a few of the gifts Chad and I received for Christmas. We hope to read these in the coming year. We’re not sure where to begin, so if you have any recommendations, please share!


For more on what we’re reading, click here.



movin ‘n’ shakin… part 2

posted by kristen
The carpet at our house now has skid marks on it. Not really, but sometimes I expect to see little black skid marks in the shape of baby hands and knees. Jonathan is on the move! And he’s not just rolling, scooting and pivoting anymore– he’s crawling. Pretty soon we’ll be handing him the keys to the car. Okay, so maybe that’s an exaggeration, but sometimes he’s out of sight before you can even say “play yard.” Speaking of which, the new play yard we bought can’t arrive in the mail soon enough. Our home is about the least baby-proofed home you can possibly imagine, since we’re staying with family at the moment, and this mom is ready for a little less “excitement.”

The last time I posted an update about Jonathan, he had just begun sitting up on his own, and he hadn’t yet begun solid foods. Now, at eight months, he’s crawling all over creation and has tried almost 30 foods, including a few herbs and spices. So far he has two favorites: cheesy-tomato chicken soup with barley and herbs, and bananas and apples with cinnamon, oatmeal, and yogurt on top. We make our own baby food and tend to get pretty creative sometimes.

Jonathan has also started saying “Da da DAH” a lot, especially when he wants us to come get him out of his crib in the morning. “Gahhh ga GAH gah GAHH” is one of his favorite things to say while he’s in his booster seat or the jumperoo– he says it with a big voice and lots of attitude. “Blah blah BLAH” is also often in the mix– probably how he hears most of what we say. :) Chad and I can’t get enough of his “talking.” He occasionally says “Aai la ooh,” too.

As far as growth goes, Jonathan is still ahead of the curve. People’s questions have become pretty predictable anymore: 1. “How old is he?” 2. “Oh, wow, so is he big for his age or something?” 3. “Oh, okay, so man, how much does he weigh?” Usually I say I lost track a while ago. :) He does actually seem to be leveling off a little, though– the last time we weighed him, he was a little over 21 lbs, which is only in the 75th percentile. A few months ago he was in the 90th. We haven’t been flying through clothes as quickly, either– he’s been in 18-month clothes for the past month or so and hasn’t outgrown them yet. A big relief for Mom– and for the family budget. :)

Below are some of our favorite pictures from the past couple of months… enjoy!

Jonathan’s six-month picture…

riding in the car…

so many toys, so little time…

one of his first times eating solid foods…

waiting patiently for lunch…

in his little lion costume…

the costume lasted all of five minutes…

his seven-month picture…

learning how to crawl…

going for a little stroll…

nice and cozy…

hanging with Uncle Nick…

and Grandma and Granddad…

and Great-Grandma and Great-Granddad…

eight months and counting… time flies!

some video from the past month…

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Thanks for stopping by. Soon I’ll share some news on our location and vocation. See you then!

movin ‘n’ shakin… part 1

This past month has been all about moving. Moving cross-country (our family moved back to Kansas again) and moving cross-carpet (Jonathan is working hard to perfect the art of rolling and scooting). 

Overall, the move back to the Midwest was not enjoyable, but it wasn’t as difficult as it could have been, either. We had to pack our belongings kind of funny since most of our stuff was going into storage, but somehow we made it through all the rooms of our house more quickly than we had anticipated, and before we knew it, almost everything was in boxes. Loading up the truck went well, too. It seems like just when you think you’re not going to have enough help, God takes pity on you and sends help your way to the point of overflowing. That certainly has been our experience nearly every time we’ve moved. Even though quite a few people from our small group were headed out of town, we still somehow had more help than we could have asked for, even on a Friday night. 

Up until this point, the move had been about as stress-free as we could have imagined. We’d barely found ourselves in a hurry more than once or twice. Then it came time to clean. We should have accepted the help we were offered, but I (and I think Chad, too) felt too guilty to let others help us clean our dirty house. Big mistake. We discovered halfway through that our landlord wanted every inch of everything imaginable wiped down– right down to the insides of the exhaust fans in the bathrooms and even the hot water heater. Pretty much every last surface in the apartment needed to be wiped down or scrubbed except for the walls, which they were going to paint. What we thought would be a six- or eight-hour job turned into 16 1/2 hours of cleaning for each of us, and even then we still didn’t quite get through it all. We were up cleaning until 3:30 a.m. and weren’t on the road the next morning until 10:30 a.m. It was miserable.

The following four days were very difficult because of the weather. There were high and even record-high winds from Oregon to Nebraska, and several times Chad was almost pushed off the road in the moving truck. Additionally, in order to make it to our destination each day, we were having to drive late into the night, something we hadn’t planned on. We also encountered wet weather twice: once on the way out of Washington and once in Wyoming. There was one place in Wyoming, near the continental divide, where it was icy, snowing, and extremely windy all at the same time. Multiple wrecks were taking place around us. At one point I started across an icy bridge and discovered I no longer had control of the car. The wind was blowing so hard that we moved sideways in the lane while going across. I don’t know if I’ve ever prayed so hard in my life. Having Jonathan sitting there in the back seat, unaware that anything bad was happening, made it even more sobering. 

Two semi trucks collided on the ice just ahead of where we were. We sat on the highway for a few minutes while they cleared our way.

Once we made it through Wyoming, it was pretty smooth sailing. Being a Kansan, I never thought I’d be so glad to see the “Now Entering Nebraska” sign. I could have almost become a Husker fan right then and there… almost. We arrived in Kansas safe and sound the next evening, and unloaded the moving truck 24 hours later. 

Several times throughout the trip I found myself wishing I could pull off to the side of the road to take pictures. I ended up memorizing the locations and Googling them later to see if I could find photos similar to what I saw.


leaving Seattle toward Spokane…
(photo courtesy aaroads.com)

on the way up to Snoqualmie Pass…
(photo courtesy flickr.com/sjodster)

beautiful Eastern Washington…
(photo courtesy philrand.com)
just outside Cle Elum, WA (a place with a most peculiar name)…
(photo courtesy experiencewa.com)

closer to home, we spotted a huge T-Rex replica outside Lincoln…
(photo courtesy yorknewstimes.com)

Well, that’s all for now. Part 2 of this post will be an update on Jonathan as he attempts to conquer the living room floor and crawl all over creation.

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peas

Jonathan hates peas.

http://www.youtube.com/v/T62ZUN9aLRU?fs=1&hl=en_US&rel=0&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0×999999
Facebook users, click here to see the video. Also please note that any comment made below will appear on the original blog post at thisbeautifulmoment.blogspot.com.

what God desires most

Windsor Castle in March, 2000

My life can be so full of distractions. Sometimes I start to do one thing, get sidetracked doing another, then have to tend to a third thing that’s even more pressing. Inevitably more distractions follow. By the time I get back to whatever the first thing was, I’ve forgotten it. Maybe that’s just typical life with a six-month-old, but I feel so disorganized most of the time. I want to focus on what’s really important, not be ruled by the tyranny of the urgent.

Sometimes I experience this in my spiritual life, as well. My desire is to focus on what’s most important, but it’s so easy to get distracted. My tendency is to pursue good things to the detriment of the very best. 

When Jesus was asked what God’s most important command was, He replied that it was, first, to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and second, to love your neighbor as yourself. Two such seemingly simple commands, and yet obedience remains elusive. For some time I’ve been seeking to learn what it would mean to truly love God with my all. What would it look like in my life if I loved the Lord with all my heart (or passion), all my soul (or prayer), all my mind (or intellect), and all my strength (or ability)? And how would it affect the way I love others? 

I’ll likely be pondering this to some degree clear up until the day I die, but recently I came across a helpful metaphor for understanding what it means to love God with everything in me. In his book SoulGuide: Following Jesus As Spiritual Director, Dr. Bruce Demarest, professor at Denver Seminary, details several historical journey patterns for Christians. One of them I had never heard of before, but learning of it has revolutionized the way I relate to God. It’s called The Carmelite Model, and it’s taken from Teresa of Avila’s The Interior Castle, written in 1577. According to Demarest the book,
portray[s] the spiritual journey as a deepening relationship with God through prayer. The castle represents the human soul, the gate of the castle entry into the spiritual life, and the innermost room of the castle the place of deepest communion with God. Teresa compares the pilgrim’s passage through the castle to the relationship between a lover and the beloved– progressing from spiritual friendship (rooms 1-3), to spiritual courtship (rooms 4-5), to spiritual marriage (rooms 6-7). 
The first room is a metaphor for the experience of a new believer, still beholden in many ways to the world system and all its enticements. He or she has the choice of either pursuing things like wealth, fame, or power, or of following Christ further into the castle. Once the new believer has increased in faith, he or she enters the second room, where “faith remains feeble, prayers brief and lukewarm, and service self-centered.” 

The third room is where the person looks outwardly like they “have it all together”– but they have yet to experience any sort of real intimacy with Christ. They may be busy reading Christian books, listening to sermons and serving others, but they aren’t pursuing a true relationship with God. Often they’re still trying to earn grace through a hidden form of legalism– keeping their daily quiet times, never missing a Sunday at church, serving because they know they should. Some even fear the loss of their salvation if they don’t do these things. The majority of Christians remain in this stage for quite some time. Many never leave it.

The fourth room is often entered only after some great trial precipitates a “dark night of the soul” and periods of deep introspection. The Christian may learn that he or she cannot earn grace, or that busyness about God is no substitute for relationship with God. He or she realizes that God loves the same no matter what, and begins to serve Him out of love, not because of a need to perform. Teresa compares this stage to the beginning of a courtship. Obedience to God remains, but its purpose is now to delight Him, not to placate Him or earn His favor (or the favor of other Christians).

The fifth room is down a hallway “not taken” by many believers. Communion with Christ results in a love so great that death is viewed only as an entry point to further joy. The sixth and seventh rooms are likened to a spiritual marriage: Love for the Savior increases until “the soul is brought into closest possible union with Christ this side of glory…. Christ has become married to all aspects of the conscious and unconscious mind, such that the Christian thinks, wills, and acts with the mind of Christ.” 

Teresa of Avila writes,
What God communicates here to the soul is a secret so great and a favor so sublime… that I don’t know what to compare it to. I can only say that the Lord wishes to reveal for that moment, in a more sublime manner than any spiritual vision or taste, the glory of heaven.
The pursuit of loving God is worthy of our entire lives, and we should endeavor toward this goal with all our heart, all our soul, all our mind, and all our strength. It is the only way to know true joy and satisfaction. (And it is the only way to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.) 

But there are so, so many distractions along the way. The Enemy thwarts our every effort, apart from the grace and will of God. Early on in our journey, things of the world like wealth, fame, and power easily tempt us away from the pursuit of God. Related obstacles like workaholism and materialism are so prevalent that even Christian culture has come to embrace them. All of these things serve only to distract from the fact that our lives are empty without God. 

Later, after we progress in our faith, we may find ourselves struggling less with the temptations of the world and more with subtler stumbling blocks– such as excessive indignation, busyness over seemingly spiritual things, spiritual pride, judgmentalism, legalism, discouragement, fears about the future, guilt over past sins, or shame before others or God. 

One stumbling block that may be particularly hard for some to avoid is the pursuit of good things to the detriment of the very best. For instance, when we feel a prompting to share what’s on our hearts with God, we may choose instead to do something more “productive”– like reading a Christian book, looking up information on a great hero of the faith, writing down all our prayer requests–  the list could go on. All of these are great things, but none of them are the best.

So what is it that God wants from us? And what is it that we’re distracted from so easily? The answer is spiritual intimacy: pouring out our hearts to God in prayer; recounting our day to Him; sharing our hopes and dreams and greatest fears; asking for His guidance about decisions both large and small; seeking His will for our lives; inviting Him to be present as we sleep and wake and go about each day; asking Him to reveal more of Himself to ourselves and others; and telling Him how much we love Him. He already knows everything about us, but His wish is to hear it from our own mouths.

God desires most for us to know and love Him with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. And even though we may not know it, that’s what we desire most, too– to know and love, with everything in us, our Creator, Comforter, Redeemer and Friend. 


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